The Pledge of Allegiance

Documents were recently uncovered which prove without a doubt that the US Pledge of Allegiance was not, as previously thought, authored in 1892 by a Socialist Baptist minister.

This also proves that "Under God" was NOT added in response to the Red Scare of the 50s, but was there from the very beginning.

The actual author remains unknown, but recordings of George Washington presenting the pledge to the legislature were found on a steam powered MP3 player that had fallen behind a stack of Ben Franklin's erotic French lithographs in the library of congress where it lay forgotten for two hundred years until Lupe pulled the desk out to vacuum.

I present to you now, the full, unedited, complete transcript of this momentous occasion.

SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: "Oye, Oye, Oye. The Chair Recognizes the President. Mr. President, you have the floor."

(NOTE: Supporting documentation suggests the president entered the room at this time to a drum line fanfare rocking the SHIT out of the Amen break, which is all you can hear at this point)

INDISTINCT VOICES: "What the fuck?" "Is he riding an Allosaurus?" "No, dummy, that's a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Allosaurii have longer arms and a more rounded head. George Washington would never fuck around with no damn Allosaurus. Shit." "Who's the hippy with the sandals?" "I don't know, but he has the bluest eyes I've ever seen! And that hair! He must use Ralph Lauren."

George Washington: "WHOA! Teddy, WHOA! Good boy.

My fellow Americans, before I get started, please let me introduce you to my T-Rex, Teddy Roosevelt, and my hype man, Jesus Christ."

Jesus: "Sup."

GW: "I know you say you love this god damned country-"

Jesus: "Yo, man, that ain't cool. RISPEK!"

GW: "Oh, right, sorry Jesus. Anyhow, I know you say you love this country, but I'm just not feeling it. I just don't BELIEVE YOU"

Jesus: "SHADY MUTHAFUKKA!"

GW: "This pledge was revealed to me by an angel of the lord late last night while I was burning Thomas Jefferson's hemp fields."

Jesus: "THAT DIRTY HIPPY!"

GW: "In order to ensure the spread of freedom and democracy, I shall require each of you to recite this every day en masse, or I will feed you to Teddy here."

Jesus: "THIS LIZARD GONNA EAT YOU!"

GW: "We will also make recitation of the pledge mandatory each morning in all public schools."

Jesus: "GOTTA HOOK EM WHEN THEY YOUNG!"

GW: "Listen carefully, and afterwards, I will lead you in an additional recitation."

Jesus: "OHHHH SHIT, Gee-DUB BOUT TO DROP DAT KNOWLEDGE!"

GW: "I Pledge allegiance"

Jesus: "REPRESENT, MUTHAFUCKA"

GW: "to the flag"

Jesus: "THE WHAT? THE WHAT? WHICH FLAG, G?"

GW: "Of the United States of America"

Jesus: "THATS RIGHT, THE MUTHAFUCKIN UNITED STATES, BITCH!"

GW: "And to the republic"

Jesus: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS!"

GW: "For which it stands"

Jesus: "STAND AND MUTHAFUCKIN DELIVA, BITCH!"

GW: "One nation"

Jesus: "WHERE?"

GW: "Under the one true God of Abraham, father of heaven and earth, before which you shall have no other gods"

Jesus: Kisses crucifix, holds it to the sky. "I SALAM ALAIKUM, POPS"

GW: "Indivisible"

Jesus: "THIS AIN'T NUTHIN TO FUCK WITH, SON!"

GW: "With liberty and justice for all"

Jesus: "WORD!

EXCEPT FOR WOMEN, HOMOS, ATHEISTS, AFRICANS, MEXICANS AND COMMIES!"

Teddy Roosevelt: "RAWR!"

RECORDING ENDS WITH Fireworks, cheering, and a castrato choir singing "We are the champions"